I’ve been gone for awhile as you may have noticed. When I looked back at my last posts, I was surprised to see that some were in mid to late April and May. I guess I had forgotten that I posted so shortly after my wife’s death, but I did. Today, August 15, marks the fourth month-a-versary of her passing, so I thought it appropriate I post a blog this evening.
She’s looking over me as I type this, from her black box perched atop my bookshelf in my new apartment. Since she left, life has been topsy-turvy to say the least. Since March, really, life has been a horrid whilrlwind. I still can’t believe she’s gone. Shortly after she died, all sorts of plans had to be made, including an unplanned move. Now, I’m getting rid of stuff, trying to empty three garages I’ve had here in the complex since Pam and I moved here some three years ago.
Mourning the loss of a loved one would be stressful enough but when one throws in moving during a pandemic, well, then, it all becomes a bit too much. There are days I don’t even want to get out of bed; some days I don’t. There are others wherein all I want to do is sit and think – for hours. Those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a spouse, can feel my pain and I yours. Those who haven’t yet, brace yourself.
The quiet, the quiet, it gets so quiet when I’m here with my thoughts. Some days I don’t even want to turn on the stereo and listen to some soothing jazz. Seems I’ve gone from one extreme to another; the nurses caring for Pam would come to the apartment at all hours during the day, joining the caregiver before she left late afternoon. It was very difficult to concentrate. Now, most of what I have is silence, especially since I moved to another apartment in my downsizing efforts.
Of course, the pandemic hasn’t helped, with everyone basically staying to themselves. I hardly go out anymore except for when I absolutely have to do so. The more I hear about it, the more I feel as though it’s going to be like this for several more months. Our lives are already upside down.
Faith has helped. So has talking to Pam everyday and night. But there’s no kidding myself: I am alone. For the first time in nearly 30 years, I am alone. Oh sure, I have friends and some family who check in on me periodically, but it’s not the same as when your partner is here.
I don’t know how often I’ll blog again. In the past, I tried to do so at least once or twice a week. Now, I really don’t know. I’d like to think I could share something once a week, either of a personal nature or something over on my creativity blog. We’ll see.
Not everything one writes is worthy of publication, yet every time one writes is worthy of brainwave generation. Maybe I can strike a balance somewhere in between.
What do you think, Pam?